Bitter / Sweet...

Okay, so I thought I could write about my childhood, but it just puts me over the edge - melancholy.

For those who don't know me, I am a very upbeat happy person and like it that way. Life is to short to get bent out of shape over things that can't be undone...so, I am going to quickly tell about what happened to me and be done with this part of the blogging...I like the fun stuff too much.

Here goes,
Parents were drinking one night, came home and got into a brawl. I decided to get help, so I walked across the street to the neighbors house for them to call the police. Last I remember is climbing in a police van with my 10mth old sister, and my 3 year old sister sitting beside me on one side while the boys, 2, 4, and 8 are sitting on the opposite side. I was 5 1/2.

One by one we all are placed in foster care with the youngest ones first and then a year later I am placed. Living at the orphanage was a terrible experience. I was forced to lay in a wet bed all day because I had wet the bed. I was molested by another resident who was much older than me...but only attacked externally not sexual penetration...but oh well...what is the difference when you are six years old.

My sister (3) had been experiencing withdrawal from relationships and people in general, at her foster care home and they ask if they could have her sister "frosty" placed with her. So, I was jumping with joy when they brought me to the new place. We stayed there for 3 plus years before we were release over to be adopted. How ironic it was to go there! The Foster family started their own family during our time with them and guess who became a caregiver for the new little ones. Yep, always a nurturer - that is my legacy.

Well as Murphy's Law would have it, the new adoptive parents seeking a match -- matched up with my sister Kim.

So the Caseworker approaches them with the story of Kim and Frosty not being separated for very long and would they be interested in "two little girls". (i have teased my parents over the years, that they got me by default) Of course, they were excited. In fact my father said often that he wished he could have adopted the whole family.

Years later, I would have the urge to seek out my other sister and brothers. I knew my last name and so I would look in the phone book under that name...but for years nothing showed.
One time I even called a company to help with the search and of course, the costs were (at the time) more than I could bear. Funny how things just happen. At a time in my life when I was somewhat past the urges etc... I sit down one day in my kitchen because we got our new phonebooks. I don't know why I decided to flip to the Ledford section. Hmm, what is that! I see Samuel Ledford listed. OMG!
I pick up the phone and call. At the time I reach a voice on the other end that appeared to me to have handicapped speech. I ask for Sam. He asks who is calling. I indicate that I am an adoptee who thinks Samual is my brother. There is a long pause on the phone and the young man says, perhaps you should contact MRDD.

I was not to be shaken, because now I was curious from both a personal health perspective. So I called MRDD. Ended up getting transferred to a lawyer who proceeds to set up a meeting in which he explains to me that Samuel passed away 5 weeks prior. SIGH.......UGH.......too late.

They told me that he had a rare disease and that they talked it over with their legal department and released a copy of his records to me, per my request. Devastated!

Several years went by and my concerns for my brothers and sister were shoved way down to a level that I could not go! I emotionally could not deal with anymore bad news.

So, Life goes on....I am traveling a lot for my company.
I get a call from my hubby one night. He says - hey I just got a call from someone who says she is your baby sister. Would you like me to give her your cell number.

Whew! I can't tell you what mixed emotions I had! But I said yes, so he called her back and I received the call from the little one. Let's see I was 44 years old then, and that would make her 39.

We talk and it is incredible, she is full of information about the biological family, but on a quest to find siblings. Soon a scheduled visit with both Kim and I along with her and my older 1/2 brother is setup at a neutral spot.

It turns out that my youngest sister had found the family about 10 plus years prior and had been helping my biological mother locate all the children. But with no luck until she found me. Note: I was the only one who did not change my name, born Rhonda Lynn on 3-16-56 and the search company locates 3 Rhonda's born on that day (2 in Ohio and one is Idaho). She knew I had been born in Grant, so she picked Cols. Oh. It was a show she had been watching on Jerry Springer and they would love to tell her story if she is successful in finding her siblings.

Nothing doing for Kim and I - we did not want our lives aired on TV!!!!

With caution, we continue to be in contact, but always in fear that she would sell us out to some TV show.

Surprisingly - we continue to stay in contact for 3 years.

When I met my biological mother - it was awkward! She hugged me and said she had loved me all my life and that she always wanted what was best. Which I understood. Then she went into her memory sharing..."oh, I remember giving you kids bathes" and so on.

I choked the tears and hurt back...looked into her eyes and said "it is funny those are the things I remember, ...me giving the kids baths and making sure they were fed and safe from danger"
She said frosty (which was my nickname all my life and it started with my biological family), you were so young, you can't possibly understand what was going on in our lives.

Well, we continue to keep in contact and visit occasionally, even went to my younger sisters wedding. But shortly after that, things went south.

There is a story to tell with my sister Debbie, as she in many ways repeated our real mothers behavior. It is not surprising they found each other first. It also was made known that Eddie was never forced to stay at the orphanage, but instead, Grandparents decided to step in and take care of him.

I also found out that my biological father passed in 1992 - so I never met him, but to hear the stories of him...he was a sociopath and used everyone to for his gain. Including my 1/2 brother he ended up in and out of jail with him. He pretty much taught him how to be a criminal. The last I talked with Eddie, which was over a year ago, he was just getting out of jail for something that had to do with the mother of his child. So Sad! Had he been adopted out, maybe he would have had a chance to survive.

As it is, Debbie was adopted and when she was 18 left home... She had married and had 2 girls, but when they were 4 and 5 (sound familiar?) she abandon them to the father and rode of with a guy on a Harley-Davidson. I had a chance to meet her daughters at the wedding and they were pretty honest in saying that they did not really know their mother. How Sad! History does repeat itself.

So, I send them Christmas letters every year and pictures of family. But they never call, never send anything...and so it is ...

more abandonment, more neglect, more lack of concern for the sisters, and or daughters, Kim and myself...

It is what it is... "life comes at you fast"