Chapter 1 - The Little Ones

It was crazy today. Mom seemed extra edgy as she hung over a cup of coffee at the little table with two chairs in the kitchen and Eddie was really feeling bad. I thought even Sam looked like he didn't feel good at breakfast. Whew! Its hot outside and the little ones are just wearing diapers. They are running around the coffee table and the overstuffed chair where Eddie is lounging, and of course not in the least concerned that they could hurt themselves.

You know Kim and Kevin were very close in age just 11 months apart. They were always together and always talking in their own language which the parents didn't understand.

So, where was Sam. Hmmm, I hadn't seem him in awhile. I should go see if he is in the backyard. Thinking to myself, it is a good thing it is fenced in - even though the fence was falling down in some areas, it was enough to keep the little ones from trying to escape.

Eddie, watch the little ones while I go see if Sam is outside.
Of course, there he was out in the back yard. Sam was always a loner. He didn't really converse well and many chose to make fun of him most of the time, so he did what any survivor will do...he escaped to his own world.

Sam, you know you are not suppose to have the sheets out here, where did you get them?

It was over the clothes line. He replied.

Hmmm, Mom must have hung out the sheets. We didn't have a washer or dryer. But several of the little ones still wet the bed. Even I have had a few accidents myself. I bet she put them out to air dry. Thinking back to Sam, hey those are going to get very dirty out here, let's fold them up and put them in the house. I was not really thinking - that it would be just as easy to take them up to the beds upstairs. Sam of course starts to tear up and I redirect him to the bush and say to him, hey look this can be your cave. So, off he goes to pretend he is a might warrior.

Recommended Readings for those adopted!

Coming Home to Self
&
Primal Wound

There are many more excellent books dealing with adoption from infancy to adulthood.

A legacy of shame - Introduction

For those who have been asking, I will begin to tell my story.
Introduction

I was the oldest of a family of 5 at the time...later I would find out about the brother I never knew.

It was the normal ritual, Mom would be waiting for him to come home so they could walk up to the corner bar to party.
My older 1/2 brother would be left in charge along with me to take care of the kids. Yes he was 8 and I was 5 and then Sam was 4, Kim was 3, Kevin was 1 1/2 and Debbie was 9 months.
It was a warm night when they walked up to the corner.
They seemed to be in love, hanging on each other and acting like teenagers, almost as if they had never grown up, had 5 children together in 5 years. My parents never married, just decided to keep having babies without a commitment to each other or to a family.
Yes and there we were in their face everyday reminding them of how complicated their lives had become.

It was bath time for the little ones and of course, she was no where to be found, in fact, I believe she had run across the street at the time (Pennsylvania) and was borrowing makeup from the neighbor. I was trying to get Eddie (1/2 brother) to come and help me but he had been very sick over the last several months with polio. He had a limp in his right leg.

So there I was at a ripe tender age of 5 making sure that everyone was getting bathed before bedtime. While Sam and Kevin were taking their turns, I was holding Debbie and giving her a bottle...

it turns out that we were being visited by the police, because Kevin who was 25 months was walking on the sidewalk out in front of our house and the police saw him, stopped and decided to make sure someone knew.

Now remember, this was 47 years ago and that would be expected to be normal for them to bring him up to the door and make sure everything was okay except...

When he found that there was only an 8 year old and so on - left in charge of 5 kids...well, the next thing I remember is we are being swept away in a "paddy-wagon" that was what we called them then...and then, you guessed it, left at the orphanage.

Yep, back then it was an orphanage it was not "Franklin county children's services".
We didn't stay long that time, and it wasn't until later on (when I met up with my family) that I understood all of the reasons for why we didn't stay.
But as you might have guessed, it was not to be a permanent return to our home.

More to come...as I will try and post entries each night as I build my story.

For those of us whom are seekers of purpose, for those of us who know the feelings of abandonment, for those of us who feel an incredible void when it comes to roots...family characteristics, health issues and the like...
THESE posts are for you!

GOOD FRIDAY!!!

SUGAR SHACK

So it is Good Friday today and guess who is home with the heathens. Yep, everyone else is working and the little darlings are out of school and daycare. What a lucky day for them.

All kidding aside, we have played, laughed, ate fastfood (ooohhh, Mom and Dad will not be happy) and now it is nap time. There is a quiet over the house and all children and pets are sound asleep.

You know what I am thinking about? Yes, I am thinking that this time next week, I will be in a cabin with both a jacuzzi and a hottub...just doesn't get any better than that! Hopefully I, too, will be napping from exhaustion with lotsa luvin!

Misreading The Important "Signals" That Men Send

So, someone ask me to give some tips and share some insight...thus the reason for the last two posts. Ladies the men are signaling...are you receiving the signals.

The signals men send have 4 main levels:

1) Social: Where the man is at in his own life -
stability, confidence, direction

2) Emotional: Whether or not he's "emotionally
available"

3) Physical: If he's attracted to you and for
what reasons

4) Love State: If he's open to building and growing
a relationship in the future

So, the signs are in front of you...just take time and things will get clearer!

Tips for a healthy relationship: Appealing to his Sexual side and not his emotional side...

Many women make the mistake of thinking that men are primarily driven by sex alone... and think if they can attract a man SEXUALLY they will be able to attract him EMOTIONALLY as well.

Women too often give up sex to a man in the hopes that it will translate into a relationship and get them what they want. In reality, a man has the capacity to view a sexual connection and an emotional connection as two entirely different things, and it requires a special set of skills to mold these two things together in a man's mind... and keep them connected.

Men are out for far more than just sex... and a woman who knows how to fulfill a man EMOTIONALLY and SEXUALLY will be the woman who captures a man's heart... and gets that same fulfillment for HERSELF.

More to come...top 10 mistakes....

What will you do Someday?

Learn a new language... Paint a still life... Write a book or screenplay... Travel Highway 66 in a VW BUG... Find an old friend... Find your long lost biological family at 45 years... See the aurora borealis... Fly a plane or helicopter... Mentor a child... Finish a marathon... Cure a disease... Live on a ranch... Explore a rainforest... Live off the grid... Hike the Appalachian Trail... Swim with the dolphins... Finish an ironman competition... Explore every continent by train... Fish every major trout stream on Earth... Buy a timeshare...Give to a charitable organization...Learn to play "Guitar Hero" with your kids/grandkids

Don't wait for Someday! Start right here, right now.

Take out a sheet of paper, and get started on making your Someday Dreams real. This is the first step towards pursuing your dreams of adventure and accomplishment.

Someday I Will...

* Someday I will go...
* Someday I want to...
* Someday I will stop...
* Someday I will have...
* Someday I will learn...
* Someday I want to earn...
* Someday I will play more...
* Someday my organization will...

Why do I do what I don't want to do?

So, it is Monday and I am going to start the weight loss focus again. It is a challenge when little ones are around - to focus on changing eating habits, because the little heathens just do not want to change theirs! So, I had a revelation that the reason they don't like to change is because they are not in control. Hmmm...yes, sometimes wisdom is so simple!

The challenge is having the energy to make it fun for them and giving them the choices so as to feel they are still in control. Yes, I know...here is how that is going:
"Nana, I don't like chicken." Ty says
"He doesn't like the brown grilled stuff" says Lexi
"What if we don't grill the chicken" Nana offers
"I only like chicken nuggets" Ty replies
"He doesn't like meat" Lexi chimes in
Escalating my voice because I am out of patience and definitely don't want to cook something else...I say "what do you want to eat Ty?" "Your choices, are nothing or chicken." Now, I don't need to tell you how well that worked. It seemed like he was given a choice. That was my goal to offer up a choice. It worked so well, I fixed him peanut butter and jelly sandwich and that was the end of choice making. Such wisdom, I simply amaze myself.

Okay, so I am out of practice with this, after all it has been 20 years since I had a 6 year old running around my house.

Now for the body makeover challenge...Where are my choices in that!
No wonder I can't do what I want to do...I am too busy trying to do what I DON'T want to DO!

I still know who she is...

It was a busy morning, about 8:30 when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. O n exam , it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor 's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?" He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life." True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

Spring in the air or is that Lysol???

OK, Blog Circle...
I started this morning with the intention to get the organization back into my life and the cleaning caught up. It has taken some doing, but I scrub the kitchen down this morning and the cupboards. I quickly turned my efforts toward the stove, refrigerator and the pantry -- wow -- I should feel good - Right?

So, you ask, "where is she going with this"...
Yes, I know it is too good to be true. But the problem is this whole perfection thing I have. It is a terrible disease. I can't feel good about anything until everything is done. Good night, I still have to strip the beds, run the sweeper everywhere, dust, clean the stinking bathrooms and oh yes, sometime I need to go to the grocery store to do the weekly shopping. I am so overwhelmed I just decided to go take a break (tee hee) and blog. I know...I am really sick, really a procrastinator, OR, just plan out of energy already. Gotta learn to pace this race I am in!

So, enough of updating the blog. I have invited everyone in the blog circle. Don't hold back!!!
Towanda! as Erin said in one her latest posts...Towanda!

...is just around the corner and I just can't believe I could be that old.

So going with the midlife crisis that most will experience...We bought a Wii over the blizzard weekend. It is the best investment EVER! Both hubby and I are playing that stupid thing each night when we get home. We have almost mastered bowling, using both hands. I love the Tennis game...and OMG tonite we did the boxing. My heart rate shot up and it was as if I was doing a cardio workout. Not to mention I WON! But then he turned around and with a TKO downed me in the 2nd round. Go figure! We were so tired after an hour of playing that we have crashed for the evening.

So here I am trying to get my heart rate down to 52 and get my life back to behaving as a 52 year old would do.
52 or whatever...tomorrow, here we come Wii, ready to take you on again!

2 1/2 weeks and counting...

A few more days and we will be off to the Smokey Mountains, and with that comes a trip to the Biltmore Estate owned by the Vanderbilts.
It is an amazing mansion and I can't wait to get off with my hubby (in more ways than one) and have time together for rest, recuperation and lots of luvin.

We will be at the estate on Thursday the 27th and then in a cabin with lots of wine and anything else that pleases us for the weekend.

Could it get here any faster? Ugh! We sure need the time away from the rate race.

Can thnking of food make you gain weight?

UGH, I have angered the diet gods again...this morning, on the scale, up three pounds.
Great! I guess the lunch and dinner with the vendors at work didn't help.

But you know, I think you really can gain weight just by thinking about food. I know I can't wait to grab one of those "skinny cows" that weight watchers says is only 1 or 2 points depending on which one you eat. I might even grab a few 1 point and 2 point WW bars just so I can keep from eating everything else in the kitchen. Then before you know it, I am consuming 12 points for the evening, when I was only allotted a total of 8!

Yeah! just thinking about it makes me want to yell "what the hell" go get a banana split!

Insanity a state of normacy...

What was I thinking...a road trip clear across country to drop my daughter off to a boyfriend two months ago -- and go figure...pregnancy is the next insane thing that happens. OMG two months and she is pregnant 6 weeks.

Only my 26 year old daughter with a spirit that is mine x 10 would do this!
She says "what do you mean why didn't we use protection?" and of course my response is "ah, you are right, what was I thinking, it must be insanity to think that you would want to establish a solid committed relationship first before diving into parenthood with someone who may or may not be around in a year, two or more" ...hmmm